Go Fuck Yourself Cape Town & Joburg!

I actually like Cape Town & Joburg.

Except, i fucking don’t because everything i say after this point will contradict that first sentence i just wrote. Also, you’re not allowed to take offence because i’m actually joking. I do LOVE Cape Town & Joburg. Lol, jk again. I don’t.

What i’m tired of is Capetonians and Joburgers naysaying Pofadder at every given opportunity! Sure, Cape Town you have your mountains, and models, and ocean, and winelands, and safety, and Helen Zille, and Joburg has… well… money. You big city bitches have no idea what you’re missing out on.

What I don’t understand about Capetonians and Joburgers, is that if your city really is so infinitely better at everything, then why is it so hard to take the high road, and just not make Pofadder the butt of all of your jokes? I would be a millionaire if i got R5 for every time someone used Pofadder as a sort of lame metaphor to describe something remote, or out-of-the-way.

Because i’m not a bitter fucking hag, i WON’T make a list about things i hate about Cape Town & Joburg. I will make a list of why Pofadder is the fucking TITS!

nc-pofadder

1. Pofadder – what’s in a name?

Pofadder is literally named after one of the most venomous snakes in THE WORLD! You might have had it with these motherfucking snakes on your motherfucking plane, but snakes are our game! Cape Town, what the fuck does that even mean? A town with Capes? Was Superman born there? NO! Stop pretending you’re superheroes. Johannesburg… talk about a lack of creativity and badassery! Johannes’ burg? Who is Johannes anyway? Shouldn’t you guys be next up for a name change?

2. Fuck the GDP!

Our farmers mostly run with sheep and goats. The sheep and goats that this country needs! At the end of the day, what is the GDP doing for your life? Nothing. Oh Cape Town, you guys have tourism and you’re beautiful… Joburg, your people work themselves into early onset heartattacks to earn enough money to go and holiday in Cape Town? Well, we’re living the life here with our goat steak braais and fluffy woolen jerseys! Farming is where it’s at. Salt of the earth motherfucker! Fuck your office jobs, and bloggers.

3. Living expenses & FOOD!

Hey Joburg, you like paying R13 000 to live in a glorified prison behind electric fencing and 10ft walls? Cape Town. you like paying R6000 to live in a box the size of a single garage on Somerset Road? Pofadder is the cheapest town in the country! Got a spare R6000? Cool! That’s rent for a year! What about restaurants and pubs and markets? Well, we’re all friends here, so instead of paying for other people at some godamn market to make our food, we make food for each other, for free. It’s called “having people over at any time of the day without notice because we’re farmers.” You’re driving by our place? Why not stop by and stay for lunch and dinner then you can help me bring the cows in. What about your beloved craft beer? Frikkie brewed some witblits that would make your freshly waxed and tanned chest spontaneously sprout thick hair.

4. Political Parties (no matter who they are) are not infallible!

Cape Town you might have better service delivery and less potholes than Joburg… but you both suck in comparison to what we’ve got up here. Pofadder is in the province that no one ever fucking talks about or cares about… so political parties don’t even make up this far. We take care of our own! Oom Willie makes sure the dirt roads are scraped… you will never know the feeling of a perfectly smooth gravel road until you drive on one of his! Tant Sannie is our answer to Helen Zille, except she can actually speak Afrikaans, and has rhythm. Strikes? What strikes? Everyone is happy in Pofadder.

5. Cape Town and Joburg do not have a fucking rock with their names on!

And, oh, look at that, we do…Almost like any amazing town in the world would… … ….. ……….

Look at that fucking rock. It’s amazing.

pofadder

6. When the REAL FUCKING APOCALYPSE comes you are all going to be so fucked.

Cape Town with your free love, and rampant weed use, you guys and girls will definitely left behind when the rapture hits! Joburg, i can guarantee you that there is a missing chapter in the Bible that specifically highlights your demise… God might just carpet bomb the entire city. Gluttony, pride, greed, envy and wrath are all found in the dictionary next to your name. Pofadder and all of its God fearing inhabitants will be swept up into the magical heavens where Jesus will give us a high five and ask for a slice of A-GRADE Pofadder goat biltong. Everyone knows that the Holy Trinity love raw salted meat.

pofadder welcome2

Thank God Pofadder is kilometres away from both Cape Town and Johannesburg… while you guys duke it out, we’ll carry on living in paradise. Don’t bother coming to say hi, Capetonians – your Citi Golf’s would never make it up here, and Joburgers, your Urban SUVs weren’t built for this environment. If you get a flat tyre, i don’t think road side assistance would come this far either.

I’m just saying, if we wanted to though, us Pofadder-ians could come to Cape Town and Joburg in our dozens and en-prison you all with our bare calloused farm hands, and shear off your hipster haircuts and mullets with our sheep shears… we’d turn Cape Town into one massive dip for the livestock, and enslave the entire population into farm labour. Joburg, we’d send you all of our snakes and watch you  try to run away in your high heels and business suits. Your only solace would be to seek out asylum in Boksburg/Benoni/Vanderbijlpark… but since you’re all such cunts to them, they’d probably like to watch you die as much as us.

People in Pofadder are nice. We might not live in one of the prettiest, showiest, RICHEST, loudest, most aggressive, most tourist-friendly cities in the world, but we don’t have to make you feel worse about yours to justify living here… except for right now. LOL. That’s the whole joke! I was being ironic! Hahahahaha. Get it?!

 

PS: This is OBVIOUSLY a satire piece to hopefully try and show everyone that agreed with the original Cape Town hatespeech (or even the JHB one for that matter) how ridiculous it is to judge an entire city on a few chance encounters. Having spent 99.9% of my entire life in Cape Town, and the past year in JHB… that original piece didn’t just offend me, it hurt me. Like most hate speech does, for most people.

Without getting too philosophical, if you have encountered people who talk proper shit about another city, don’t lash out and do EXACTLY what they just did. As humans, we are all different. Some people like the whole “Big City Life” thing of JHB, others prefer the laidback vibes of CT. Who the fuck cares? We are all human, we are all fucking South Africans. Jesus. People didn’t fight for years (and die) for the freedom of our country, for us to just go and create some new pathetic way of making people different from one another. Do you have an innate need to make yourself feel superior to another group of people? Is this the human condition? I’m disgusted.

PPS: I didn’t put a star instead of the u in Fuck… because we’re all adults here, and i’m not a f*cking fucking pussy.

Deadmau5 Slams Arcade Fire

During their set at weekend one of Coachella, Arcade Fire gave a shout-out to “all the bands still playing actual instruments,” a jibe directed at the DJ-heavy lineup. Deadmau5 decided to hit back, and took to Twitter:

sh*t to remember: A computer is a tool, not an instrument. arcade fire needs to settle down. some dudes devote their lives to instruments, others to electronic composition by cpu, dafuqs yer problem? i dont expect to see daft punk pull a steve vai on stage…i expect to listen to some decent music, n see cool robots. no problem. if i wanna watch real artists perform, id pick the opera before wasting a f*cking minute of my life with arcade fire. but since some EDM is enjoyable to me, ill go watch them fake it, and enjoy it more than you hate the fact that they cant play guitar. inb4 some f*cking hipster throws a hackeysack at me.

 AF6

Deadmau5 obviously makes some good points here. Arcade Fire complaining about “actual instruments” sounds as idiotic as those American housewives complaining about rock music in the 50’s. HEY ARCADE FIRE, why aren’t you playing harpsichords and violins, and singing opera? Music changes, it doesn’t mean one genre is better than another… yes, some have more staying power, but EDM isn’t exactly new. If music hadn’t changed since the 1800’s or even earlier, we’d still all be playing traditional throat singing on the radio, or Beethoven’s Top 40.

As a radio presenter, i see this a lot… fans of certain genres feel like they’re “real” music fans because they like a certain type of music. Grow up. The sooner everyone realizes that we are all different, and that’s ok, the happier the world will be. You listen to what ever tickles your fancy, that doesn’t mean you get to judge other people because their tastes are different.

Music is such a special and personal thing, and it has the ability to affect emotions and for some people, it’s a lifesaver. It really makes no sense to make someone feel bad about something that they obviously love.

And a word to the “OMG-i-hate-commercial-music-hipsters” you wouldn’t be able to walk around with that ‘superior’ attitude if One Direction didn’t exist.