Go Fuck Yourself Cape Town & Joburg!

I actually like Cape Town & Joburg.

Except, i fucking don’t because everything i say after this point will contradict that first sentence i just wrote. Also, you’re not allowed to take offence because i’m actually joking. I do LOVE Cape Town & Joburg. Lol, jk again. I don’t.

What i’m tired of is Capetonians and Joburgers naysaying Pofadder at every given opportunity! Sure, Cape Town you have your mountains, and models, and ocean, and winelands, and safety, and Helen Zille, and Joburg has… well… money. You big city bitches have no idea what you’re missing out on.

What I don’t understand about Capetonians and Joburgers, is that if your city really is so infinitely better at everything, then why is it so hard to take the high road, and just not make Pofadder the butt of all of your jokes? I would be a millionaire if i got R5 for every time someone used Pofadder as a sort of lame metaphor to describe something remote, or out-of-the-way.

Because i’m not a bitter fucking hag, i WON’T make a list about things i hate about Cape Town & Joburg. I will make a list of why Pofadder is the fucking TITS!

nc-pofadder

1. Pofadder – what’s in a name?

Pofadder is literally named after one of the most venomous snakes in THE WORLD! You might have had it with these motherfucking snakes on your motherfucking plane, but snakes are our game! Cape Town, what the fuck does that even mean? A town with Capes? Was Superman born there? NO! Stop pretending you’re superheroes. Johannesburg… talk about a lack of creativity and badassery! Johannes’ burg? Who is Johannes anyway? Shouldn’t you guys be next up for a name change?

2. Fuck the GDP!

Our farmers mostly run with sheep and goats. The sheep and goats that this country needs! At the end of the day, what is the GDP doing for your life? Nothing. Oh Cape Town, you guys have tourism and you’re beautiful… Joburg, your people work themselves into early onset heartattacks to earn enough money to go and holiday in Cape Town? Well, we’re living the life here with our goat steak braais and fluffy woolen jerseys! Farming is where it’s at. Salt of the earth motherfucker! Fuck your office jobs, and bloggers.

3. Living expenses & FOOD!

Hey Joburg, you like paying R13 000 to live in a glorified prison behind electric fencing and 10ft walls? Cape Town. you like paying R6000 to live in a box the size of a single garage on Somerset Road? Pofadder is the cheapest town in the country! Got a spare R6000? Cool! That’s rent for a year! What about restaurants and pubs and markets? Well, we’re all friends here, so instead of paying for other people at some godamn market to make our food, we make food for each other, for free. It’s called “having people over at any time of the day without notice because we’re farmers.” You’re driving by our place? Why not stop by and stay for lunch and dinner then you can help me bring the cows in. What about your beloved craft beer? Frikkie brewed some witblits that would make your freshly waxed and tanned chest spontaneously sprout thick hair.

4. Political Parties (no matter who they are) are not infallible!

Cape Town you might have better service delivery and less potholes than Joburg… but you both suck in comparison to what we’ve got up here. Pofadder is in the province that no one ever fucking talks about or cares about… so political parties don’t even make up this far. We take care of our own! Oom Willie makes sure the dirt roads are scraped… you will never know the feeling of a perfectly smooth gravel road until you drive on one of his! Tant Sannie is our answer to Helen Zille, except she can actually speak Afrikaans, and has rhythm. Strikes? What strikes? Everyone is happy in Pofadder.

5. Cape Town and Joburg do not have a fucking rock with their names on!

And, oh, look at that, we do…Almost like any amazing town in the world would… … ….. ……….

Look at that fucking rock. It’s amazing.

pofadder

6. When the REAL FUCKING APOCALYPSE comes you are all going to be so fucked.

Cape Town with your free love, and rampant weed use, you guys and girls will definitely left behind when the rapture hits! Joburg, i can guarantee you that there is a missing chapter in the Bible that specifically highlights your demise… God might just carpet bomb the entire city. Gluttony, pride, greed, envy and wrath are all found in the dictionary next to your name. Pofadder and all of its God fearing inhabitants will be swept up into the magical heavens where Jesus will give us a high five and ask for a slice of A-GRADE Pofadder goat biltong. Everyone knows that the Holy Trinity love raw salted meat.

pofadder welcome2

Thank God Pofadder is kilometres away from both Cape Town and Johannesburg… while you guys duke it out, we’ll carry on living in paradise. Don’t bother coming to say hi, Capetonians – your Citi Golf’s would never make it up here, and Joburgers, your Urban SUVs weren’t built for this environment. If you get a flat tyre, i don’t think road side assistance would come this far either.

I’m just saying, if we wanted to though, us Pofadder-ians could come to Cape Town and Joburg in our dozens and en-prison you all with our bare calloused farm hands, and shear off your hipster haircuts and mullets with our sheep shears… we’d turn Cape Town into one massive dip for the livestock, and enslave the entire population into farm labour. Joburg, we’d send you all of our snakes and watch you  try to run away in your high heels and business suits. Your only solace would be to seek out asylum in Boksburg/Benoni/Vanderbijlpark… but since you’re all such cunts to them, they’d probably like to watch you die as much as us.

People in Pofadder are nice. We might not live in one of the prettiest, showiest, RICHEST, loudest, most aggressive, most tourist-friendly cities in the world, but we don’t have to make you feel worse about yours to justify living here… except for right now. LOL. That’s the whole joke! I was being ironic! Hahahahaha. Get it?!

 

PS: This is OBVIOUSLY a satire piece to hopefully try and show everyone that agreed with the original Cape Town hatespeech (or even the JHB one for that matter) how ridiculous it is to judge an entire city on a few chance encounters. Having spent 99.9% of my entire life in Cape Town, and the past year in JHB… that original piece didn’t just offend me, it hurt me. Like most hate speech does, for most people.

Without getting too philosophical, if you have encountered people who talk proper shit about another city, don’t lash out and do EXACTLY what they just did. As humans, we are all different. Some people like the whole “Big City Life” thing of JHB, others prefer the laidback vibes of CT. Who the fuck cares? We are all human, we are all fucking South Africans. Jesus. People didn’t fight for years (and die) for the freedom of our country, for us to just go and create some new pathetic way of making people different from one another. Do you have an innate need to make yourself feel superior to another group of people? Is this the human condition? I’m disgusted.

PPS: I didn’t put a star instead of the u in Fuck… because we’re all adults here, and i’m not a f*cking fucking pussy.

stephaniebe

36 Comments

  1. Tears I tell you Steph! Thanks for putting things straight…Brilliantly written!

  2. Amen Stephanie. My mamma taught me that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.

  3. This is really fucking funny. I think you’re the funniest blogger in South Africa. I hope this goes properly viral.

    PS. Wish you’d left out the PS and left it on the LOL jk not really tho lol note. Give yourself some more traffic by the outraged misunderstanding haters anyway.

    Rock on lady!

  4. “but since you’re all such cunts to them, they’d probably like to watch you die as much as us.”

    This my friend, is poetry.

  5. Lady. You are the fucking tits. Plus, you’ve made Pofadder a definate must for my travels. Well done.

  6. I love the point you make! All the Jhb people found the original blog tongue in cheek and I wasn’t feeling that. Thanks for showing how silly it was.

  7. I love the Town of capes! I must admit I don’t like JHB too much – having “lived” there for three years (if you could even classify that as a life: spending most of my time working and the rest of the time hiding… hoping I don’t get KILLED) just made me love Cape Town more. I will definitely visit Pofadder. That rock is amazing.xxx

  8. I like this blog/piece the most. Thanks for the chuckles and the truth behind the big joke. I’m a Joburger since 1999 (a Fourways resident for 7 years already, from Paulshof, Sunninghill, Lonehill, Illovo, Fairlands… from Mpumalanga before then, Gaborone, Botswana before then, Manila (Philippines) before then, Mpika (Northern Province, Zambia) before then, Naga (a smaller city than Manila in the Philippines) a year before and after Zambia and finally… Whew! ..born and lived the first 12 years of my life in Alabat (a small island in the Quezon Province, Philippines)) and I went to Cape Town twice last year (and once in Mosselbaai, once in Phalaborwa, “worked” in a construction project in Mamelodi for about 5 months.. You get the point..here are just places!) and I prefer the Capetonian’s piece to the Joburger’s blog. All fun and more but yeah, it’s like the battle of the sexes, ere is a possibility that the debate will have no end. You won though! Great piece, thanks! Just let me be a prude and sissy Filipino (with an Afrikaans surname – Van Der Merwe now, formerly Botes and Spanish-Filipino surname Aguilar before all the marriages – lol!) and say that all these debates and writings would be waaaayyyy better with less swear words, no? Peace! I do swear.. When really livid and frustrated. If I could now, I’d move to Cape Town.. But I’ll visit Pofadder first. :)

  9. I thought at least one Holy Trinity Part is vegetarian – have I been wrong all these years? PS always loved the name Pofadder

    • You obviously have no idea what a satire piece is then… i copied the format of the original girl who wrote the “Go Fuck Yourselves Cape Town” piece. That’s the entire point of this whole ridiculous article. Also – if you have a problem with blasphemy, stay off of the internet, except for Christian Chatrooms.

      Sincerely, from a Christian who understands that my God doesn’t judge me on the language i use, and rather how i conduct my life… and how i conduct my life is to not judge other people on how they live their lives. Or did you miss that day of Sunday school?

      • Bitch I definitely wouldn’t want to mess with you in real life. Brilliant piece.

  10. I think you meant pits not tits…
    I agree though, this whole what city is better is a load of crap, who the fuck cares!

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